Usami Akihiko: Gay or European?
by AllonsyMew
Summary: There is something different about Usami Akihiko than everyone else. But is he Gay or European? Original idea from The Sekaiichi Hatsukoi version by NaviNinja2002. Parody of "There! Right There!" from Legally Blonde The Musical. (Re-uploaded)


**Author's Note: 'Ello! PLease don't kill me for starting a new ****story! But have you fear! For it is a One-Shot that I wrote months ago. I got the idea when NaviNinja2002 wrote a Sekaiichi Hatsukoi fanfic of The Song "Gay or European" for Ritsu. I sat back for a while after reading it when I realized **

**"Wait a minute! Isn't Usagi Gay and European? CUz he grew up in England and was most likely born there too…. and there's Misaki who is Usag's lover" and then BOOM! Parody!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica or Legally Blonde: The Musical's song "Gay or Euopean"**

**I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

_Akihiko Usami, famous novelist known across the nation. Famous for great novels such as "The Box that Shelters the Moon" and others. _

_The scene takes place at a party for the great Novelist at the Teito hotel. Usami is sitting at a chair at a table. Across the way, Aikawa, Hiroki, Nowaki, Miyagi, Shinobu, and Isaka sit at another table, talking about the author. Everyone there is excited to be within few feet of the man, but there is something strange about him. _

Aikawa: Okay, there is something really odd about Usami-sensei, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is.

Hiroki: He's gay. It's pretty obvious if you ask me.

*Aikawa nods in agreement*

Miyagi: *putting a finger up to Hiroki's lips* But there is no way of proving it's true. Things like this need to be backed up. If we don't we just look stupid. (and downright homophobic).

Usami is able to hear every word. He doesn't care. He just continues to sit and read a book, then the lights flash and a spotlight is on the two tables.

Aikawa: **THERE! RIGHT THERE! Look at that tan, well tainted skin. **

**Look at the killer shape he's in. **

**Look at that slightly stubly chin. Oh Please he's gay. Totally gay. **

Miyagi**: I'm not about to celebrate. **

**That every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate. **

**This guy's not gay. I say not gay. **

*****_Usami rolls his eyes, and continues reading._

**All but Usami: ****That is the elephant in the room**

**Well is it relevent to assume**

**that a man who wears perfume**

**is automatically matically fay?**

Usami: *annoyed* uhhhhhh.. Okay, I don't wear perfume.

**Nowaki****: But look at his quoft and crispy locks. **

**_Aikawa_****: Look at his silk, translucent socks. **

Usami: Uh... yeah they aren't silk or translucent. They've got bears on them.

**Miyagi****: There's the eternal paradox. Look what we're seeing.**

Nowaki**: What are we seeing?**

Miyagi**: Is he gay?**

Aikawa**: Of course he's gay. **

Miyagi:**Or European?**

All but Usami and Miyagi**: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh**

_Everyone stares at Usami for a second, before continuing with the song. _

**All but Usami****: Gay or European?**

**It's hard to guarantee. **

**Is he gay or European?**

*Everyone looks towards Nowaki*

**Nowaki:**** Well, hey don't look at me!**

**Shinobu****:You see they bring thir boys up different in those charming foreign ports.**

**They play peculiar sports.**

**All but Usami****: In shiny shirts and tiny shorts. **

**Gay or foreign fella?**

**The answer could take weeks!**

**They will say things like "ciao bella" while they kiss you on Both cheeks. **

**Aikawa****: Oh Please.**

**All but Usami****: Gay or European? **

**So many shades of gray. **

**Nowaki:**** Depending on the time of day, the French go either way?**

Usami: What the hell? I'm not French. I'm half Japa-

**All but Usami****: Is he Gay or European? **

**Or- **

*****_Usami smirks and huffs lightly, still annoyed_*****

**Isaka****: THERE! RIGHT THERE!**

**Look at that condescending smirk. **

**Seen it on every guy at work. **

**That is a metro-hetero jerk. **

**This guy's not gay. I say no way. **

Usami:That's a bit harsh, Isaka.

**All but Usami:**** That is the elephant in the room. **

**Well is it relevent to presume that a hottie in that costume**

*****_Usami starts talking to Takahiro, smiling_**.***

**Aikawa: ****Is automatically-radically**

**Miyagi:**** Ironically-cronically**

**Shinobu****: Scurtinly-curtainly**

**Nowaki****: Genetically-Netically. **

*****_Usami puts his hand on Takahiro's shoulder._*****

**All but Usami:**** GAY!**

**OFFICIALLY GAY!**

**OFFICIALLY GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY!**

*****_Takahiro's wife appears and Takahiro walks off with her_*****

**All but Usami:**** DAMMIT!**

**Gay or European? **

**Miyagi:**** So stylish and relaxed.**

**All but Usami:**** Is he Gay or European?**

**Nowaki:**** I think his chest is waxed. **

Usami: Excuse me?

**Shinobu: ****But they bring their boys up different there. **

**It's culturally diverse. **

**It's not a fashion curse. **

**All but Usami:**** if he wears a kilt or bears a purse. **

Usami: What The fu-

**All but Usami:**** Gay or just exotic? **

**I still can't crack the code. **

**Isaka:**** His accent is hypnotic, BUT HIS SHOWS ARE POINTY TOED!**

Usami: Isaka, we're not allowed to wear shoes in he-

**All but Usami:**** Gay or European?**

**So many shades of gray!**

**Sumi:**** But if he isn't straight, I'm free at 8 on Saturday!**

Usami: Sorry, Sumi but I'm tak-

**All but Usami:**** Is he Gay or European?**

**Gay or European?**

**GAY OR EURO-**

**Nowaki****: Wait a minute!**

**Give a chance to crack this guy. **

**I have an idea I'd like to try. **

**Miyagi:**** The Floor is yours**

**Nowaki:**** So, you've been a published novelist for...?**

**Usami:**** 10 years. **

**Nowaki:**** And your first name again is...?**

**Usami:**** Akihiko**

**Nowaki****: And your boyfriend's name is...?**

**Usami:**** Takahashi Takahiro**

***Everyone gasps.***

**Usami****: Oh wait, sorry. You said boyfriend. I thought you said best friend. Takahiro is my best friend. My boyfriend is Mi-**

***Misaki barges in***

**Misaki****: USAGI-SAN! YOU FREKIN' BASTARD!**

**Usami****: Wait a minute, Misaki, it was just a trip of the tongue I meant to say you-**

**Misaki:**** That's it!**

**I cover for you no longer!**

**Peoples!**

**I have a big announcement!**

**This man is Gay AND European.**

**All but Usami and Misaki: ****WOAH!**

**Misaki****: And neither is disgrace. **

**You've got to stop your being and completely closet case. **

**It's me, not him, he's seein'!**

**No matter what he say!**

**I swear he never ever ever swing the other way. **

*****Misaki walks up to Usami, his face red with anger, but also blushing.

**Misaki:**** You are so Gay!**

**You big Parfait!**

**You flaming one man cabaret!**

*Usami leans in to Misaki's face, smiling*

**Usami:**** So you admit we're a couple. *smirks***

**Misaki:**** Not what what I meant to say. *sighs***

**...But whatever.**

**So if I may, **

**I 'm proud to say.**

**HE'S GAY!**

**All****: AND EUROPEAN**

**Misaki****: HE'S GAY**

**All****: AND EUROPEAN**

**Misaki:**** PLEASE GAY!**

**All:**** AND EUROPEAN AND GAY!**

**Usami****: Yes, you idiots, I'm Gay!**

*****_To make a point, Usami pulls Misaki in for a kiss_*****

**All: HORRAY!**

The End.

* * *

**And there you have it! All the Bold writing were lyrics, Italics were stage direction, Plain font was Dialogue not used in the original play.**

**Obviously the lyrics were altered to fit the scenario. **

** Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!**

**Okay! Enough of that nonsense! **

**Until Next Time!**

**~AllonsyMew3**


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